


Not one moment without you

by sam04



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Character Death, Established Relationship, Grief, M/M, Sad Ending, Spoiler for Here Lies The Abyss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-07
Updated: 2015-06-07
Packaged: 2018-04-03 08:04:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4093339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sam04/pseuds/sam04
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The moment Anders gets Varrics letter. You know which one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not one moment without you

**Not one moment without you**

 

He had known that he shouldn’t have let him go to Skyhold alone. As soon as Hawke had left, he got the worst stomach aches since Kirkwall - and that meant something. He didn’t realize it had to do with the fear of Hawke never returning again but as soon as he received Varric’s letter, he knew.

He knew it even before opening it because of the ink stains on the paper. Varric never left ink stains. In fact, he was as fastidious with his writing as Anders’ had been when writing his manifesto. But that didn’t matter now. None of it mattered anymore. Because no one would ever read his stuff again. Hawke had been and would forever be the only one who he had showed his writings.

 

The letter was short and he knew it was because Varric didn’t know what to say. The dwarf was probably the only one besides Anders who had ever loved Hawke unconditionally. Everyone had wanted something from him - money, help or just a good word for someone. But Varric and Anders had been the ones who really knew Hawke. They had known the man he had grown into, after Kirkwall, when Anders and Hawke had been on the run for those long, long years while desperately trying to help the rebelling circles.

 

The problem was, he didn’t know what to do without Hawke. He didn’t even know what he was supposed to do or where he was supposed to go. It was as if every purpose of his life had left with Hawke and he had just noticed it. The letter felt heavy in his hands. The short sentences a blur on the expensive paper - he must have nicked it from the inquisitor as he had before, to send them updates and news from the inquisition. But that didn’t matter. None of it mattered anymore.

 

One thing, Anders was certain of. He knew that his chest felt as if someone had paced a slow-burning charm on his heart and his skin and muscles melted slowly away; he felt nauseous with pain and heartache, and he knew he couldn’t live that way. There had been the one time when Anders had been certain, Hawke would kill him for what he had done - he had wanted Hawke to kill him. But Hawke didn’t even raise the dagger. Anders would always remember his soft smile as if it was yesterday. His soft words. _„Would you do it if it were me instead? I wouldn’t want to live without you. Don’t kill us both.“_

But now Hawke was dead and they had changed places. It was Hawke who had been stabbed by Anders and Anders knew with frightening certainty that he felt the same as Hawke all those years before. He would never want to live without Hawke. Not one single moment. And the fact that Hawke had been dead for days without him knowing it made him feel sick.

 

There was no doubt in Anders’ mind as he raised the dagger from his belt. It was a shocking irony that it was indeed the same dagger with which he had wanted Hawke to kill him back then in Kirkwall. And now said dagger would finally fulfill its purpose.

 

He didn’t feel the pain. He stared at the letter in front of him. Crumbled now by his trembling fingers and completely unreadable, but it gave him something to focus. He knew that it wouldn’t take long. His healer instincts told him that he stabbed deep enough to hit the heart and that it would end soon. It was all too easy to let go and let himself finally be welcomed back in Hawkes arms in the fade. With Hawke by his side, the prospect of never leaving the fade again wasn’t even fearful, instead it was something to look forward to.

It was a future which would never end.


End file.
